


Is Happiness Earned?

by justmedownhereagain



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-28
Updated: 2016-04-28
Packaged: 2018-06-05 03:24:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 2,023
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6687220
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justmedownhereagain/pseuds/justmedownhereagain
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Is happiness earned, because if so please tell me how, 'cus Darling all I see ahead is misery..</p><p>A collection of small snippets about the life and love of Rodolphus Lestrange and Bellatrix Black, from the first time they properly meet, until the time they can no longer say goodbye.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Second Year

She started in your second year. You remember her in that first day of school. You hadn’t been through the sorting ceremony enough times to find it boring, so you were looking at each of the students as they were sorted. Back then, she held her chin as high as ever, but she was normal. She wasn’t psychotic, but it wasn’t only that. Her hair was flat, so was her chest and her cheekbones were not yet her prime feature. Still, she caught your attention. She was a Black, the first of three sisters. Everybody knew which house she was sorted into, at least all the people Rodolphus cared about, anyone who had any idea about the magical world. Even the sorting hat knew it, as it did not hesitate. As soon as it touched her head, it sorted her into Slytherin.  
\--Eight years later, her younger cousin would be sorted with the same conviction, into Gryffindor, where no Black had ever been before, and she would be furious. She was so wonderful when she was furious.--  
She sat down across from you, with no hesitance and a security in her movements you could only smile at. From that day on, she was on your heels, keeping you on your mark and slowly working into your small circle of people you called friends.


	2. Sixth Year

It was the seventh of October when you heard the news. It came with mail, though you’d think it was something your parents would want to tell you personally. It wasn’t a surprise though, it rarely were with those things. Bellatrix got one too, from her parents. By now her hair was curling and her cheekbones could cut butter. She was beautiful, and she knew it. She used it. She had used it on you, and you didn’t care. Every day you spent with her was a war, and you loved it. She was manipulative and knew how to get exactly what she wanted. So did you, and it was her. So when you were told about your planned marriage, you kissed her right there and then. She kissed you back, passionately and without hesitation.  
You bought her a ring in the Christmas break. That was the first time you could get to a proper store. She complained to you every week until she got it, but you knew it was merely a play. She knew you could not get to a ring she would ever accept in Hogsmeade. It was her game. She liked her little games. She would play them any time she could. She would mock and she would taunt, and she would only praise you, only award you when she had torn you down. Still you could not stop loving her. You let her tear you apart because nobody had ever been so good at putting you right back together. What did not miss your attention, and never had was the oddity of her. You knew it was not normal, treating people like she did.


	3. Seventh Year

You strived. The two of you together. You were the talk on everybody’s lips, and you both loved it. You bathed in the attention. However, you had bigger things to worry about. On top of homework and classes and extracurriculars, you had the meetings. For now, it was only in the castle. They did not dare leave the castle, the chance of being noticed was too big, especially since only Professor’s fireplaces could get them out. Bella had found where you could meet. A room which gave them what they needed. It was a small room, vaguely like your dining room at home. But you didn’t need more. You were fighting for a greater purpose, all of you. It felt good, being a part of something, being a part of something bigger. And your fianceé thrived. She loved it, the power, the possibilities. But you couldn’t do anything yet. It was driving you insane, not her, just you. How you were locked in this castle and just waiting. Your Lord had already equipped you with more power, more spells, more magic, than this school could ever give you.


	4. Losing First..

When the healer told her she was pregnant, something changed within her. Your wife. It was said to be normal, the change in a woman once she became a mother, but they didn’t know her like you did. You had seen her happy before. Seen the smirk on her face when she tore people apart with words. You had seen her when she laughed or when she screamed in ecstasy. But this was none of those situations, none of those types of happiness. It was softer, quieter. It lasted for weeks, and it was the best weeks of your life. When you looked at her, you could only think about your future. About your child and how you wanted a world in which it could be safe. That was when you began to see the flaws in the side you had chosen. Your child, a pureblood, would not suffer, he would thrive in that world, but how long before you created it? You could barely handle yourselves in Britain, and you could not let your child be born into a war. However, your Master was not someone you went against. That would be a greater punishment to your child than you could handle. So you kept quiet, you smiled and nodded and did what was asked of you. Even your wife did not suspect anything. What kept you quiet at night was that for those few weeks, your wife held more love than she ever had, and for once it was directed towards you. For just three months, you felt normal, like you could actually become a normal, happy family.   
It seemed that that would be it to you. Oh, how you wished it had been it for you. But no.   
It started like a normal day, the one which broke your happy ending. Bella bolted out of bed with morning sickness, but as she threw up (you holding her hair while rubbing sleep from your eyes), she convulsed in pain. Everything happened so fast after that. The blood was noticed by you first, pooling under her as she screamed in pain, and the stream of it seemed unable to stop as you apparated to St. Mungo's. How someone could bleed that much and not die, you did not understand, but Bella did not die. Some days, you could see in her eyes that she wished she did, but the only part of her which could feel such about death was the part that had been truly happy, and she did not let that part show.


	5. Marriage

It was August the fifth that she walked towards you in her wedding dress. Her sisters had been very insistent that you didn’t see her before the wedding. They’d even succeeded. So when you stood at the altar, you didn’t know what to expect. However, expectations seemed to place themselves upon your mind, even if you did not recognise them, and when she came towards you, it was nothing you could have ever expected, and yet nothing else would have ever done her justice. The corset of the dress was the same colour as her eyes and the wavy layers of beautiful satin were the same creamy colour as the napkins at the feast. It was slim and it was magnificent, and you could not help but smile. When you said, "I do," there had never been two words you meant more, but your heart tore as you knew there were not two words your wife could have meant less. Her love and devotion was so intense, she only knew how to be intense, that they could only belong to one person, and that person was not you, but your Lord. That day was the first of many where you despised Him.


	6. Losing Second...

The second time pregnancy came, three years later, the happiness wasn’t as overwhelming. It came with fear and pain and a certain sense of hesitation. It was in both of you, rooted deeply inside of a cavity in your heart which you could not locate, could not soothe. You tried though, for your wife, for your child. You pushed away thoughts of how it might have been better for you to not have a child, how it might be better for the child. You did not know how to be a father, and did Bellatrix even know how to be a mother? Of course it was said that mothers grew with the task, but your Bella was not like regular people, and a child should never be born to a family which could not love it with all they had. How could they ever devote every part of their being to a child with The Dark Lord hovering over their shoulders?  
This time, there was no spontaneous miscarriage. Bella went to term, and the child came out dead. The doctor’s had little explanation when you asked them, and Bellatrix would not speak to you. It was clear to see she was in pain, and you knew the thoughts going through her mind. Oh how you wished you could soothe those too. Tell her that there was nothing wrong with her, that she was still fit to become a mother, that he still wanted a family with her, and to make her happy. But Bella did not need such things. Bella needed strength and Bella needed distractions, so you allowed her both as the two of you went on with life. Her heart was now not only closed, but frozen over by loss and fear of more.


	7. Losing The Third Child

Third time was said to be the charm, the time everything went perfect and well. It was six years later. Honestly it came as a surprise as you hardly acted like a married couple by now. You were united because it was preferable for your families, but you had failed at producing an heir, and as such there was little left you could use your marriage for. Especially when Bella shut down her capability of loving anyone. When she noticed the bump of her stomach, there was no happiness this time. She placed a hand over it and closed her eyes. Had you dared look at her, you might have seen the tears in the corners of them, but you bit your lip and pretended not to notice. You also pretended not to notice when she went out of her way to do whatever the doctor’s had told her before was bad for the baby. The only time you saw her love for your unborn children was one night, three weeks after she had first noticed. You woke up to her crying besides you. It was quiet and oddly collected, and you turned over in bed to pull her close to you. For once she did not pull away.   
“She would be so beautiful.. I saw her Rod, I did, our child.. So beautiful,” she whispered as tears rolled down her cheeks and small sobs shook her body. Her voice was so soft that you did not recognise it as hers, and the words to loving that you would have called her an imposter if you did not know deep down inside that even your wife knew love. You knew also what she was talking about, because you had had the same dream that night. A little girl running around in the garden behind the Manor, with black curls and blue eyes, laughing as her small bare feet carried her across the grass, following a butterfly. Her voice was like an angel, and her face was the most beautiful one you had ever seen. You would have fought all the wars in all of history to keep that child, but those words were not the only ones Bella uttered that night.   
“How could I not break her? Such beauty, such innocence? I don’t deserve such happiness.”  
You let her cause the miscarriage after that, because who were you really fooling? You could never raise a child without tainting it.


End file.
